Why Daddy Wants To Shoot Uncle Bernie
by Red Witch
Summary: Once again the Brotherhood tries to be educational by putting out another lesson on why the economy is not working and their take on one of the culprits responsible. Oh boy...


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any X-Men Evolution characters is watching CNN. I also watch a lot of CNN and had this crazy idea. What if the Brotherhood put on another one of their little 'Public Service Announcements' to explain a certain criminal mastermind in the news? In other words…**

**Why Daddy Wants To Shoot Uncle Bernie**

"Hello there!" Lance sat at a desk with Wanda and Pyro. "I'm Lance 'Avalanche' Alvers."

"And I'm Wanda 'The Scarlet Witch' Maximoff."

"I'm Pyro! I think…" Pyro scratched his head. "I forgot to take my medication today so I'm not really sure who I am. Better check my underwear. Good thing I always wear my boxers with the tag in the front. Yup it's me! Pyro!"

"And we're here with another Brotherhood News special for all you lucky viewers out there," Lance grinned.

"Lucky being a relative term," Wanda said. "Some of you that actually watch the news may have heard about a certain Wall Street investor and how he swindled between 65 to 80 billion dollars. Possibly even more."

"Can't say the Brotherhood doesn't try to be educational. We're here to explain how the human Bernie..." Lance began.

"Ah ah! Can't say his real name! I think it's a rule or something," Pyro warned.

"Fine! Why this guy B. Hate-off did that! Again, **not** a mutant! Human!" Lance emphazised. "Can't blame **this** on us! No way!"

"We thought we'd explain to some of our younger viewers out there what this guy did to become the most hated man in America," Wanda said. She turned and looked at Pyro. "Well next to the guy who thought of the bright idea to make lighters out of toy cars."

"He he he he he!" Pyro was playing with the matchbox lighter. "Hey look it even spits out fire from its little engine as it rolls across the table!"

"No Pyro!" Wanda snapped. "Put it away before I take it away!"

"Awww! You're no fun," Pyro pouted.

"So we're going to explain to all of you out there in Fan Fiction Land what a Ponzi Scheme is and how this guy used it to get rich while putting everyone else he knew into the poorhouse," Lance said.

"We're teaching kids how to do a Ponzi Scheme," Wanda groaned. "Yeah this is educational! We're gonna get letters!"

"Hey better us than the streets!" Lance told her.

"You have to explain **that?** I thought it was easy," Pyro scratched his head. "I mean all you gotta do is put on a leather jacket, rev up a motorcycle, say 'Aayyyyy' and the girls will be flocking…"

"Not a **Fonzie Scheme**, Flame For Brains!" Lance snapped. "Ponzi! **Ponzi Scheme!"**

"Oh," Pyro nodded. "What's a Ponzi Scheme?"

"That's what we're trying to explain to the viewers out there!" Wanda snapped. "It's like explaining things to a goldfish! Every three seconds he forgets everything!"

"I have Attention Deficit Disorder," Pyro said.

"You've got a deficit disorder all right," Wanda snapped. "A Brain Deficit Disorder!"

"It's not my fault I have problems," Pyro sniffed. "Blame my parents. They're the ones who did all those drugs when they had me."

"Yeah take a look at **this **folks!" Wanda pointed at Pyro. "This is what happens when you do drugs! If **this **doesn't scare people straight I don't know what will."

"Take a look at me! Drugs are bad! That's what we were talking about right?" Pyro asked. "Ponzi's some kind of drug deal right?"

"Why haven't we killed you yet?" Wanda asked. "It's not like Magneto would miss you! Why?"

"Because I'm cute?" Pyro batted his eyelashes. "Oh! You wanna see my toy car? It shoots out fire!"

"Lance can we get on with it before I commit a felony on prime time?" Wanda snapped. "Even though I'm pretty sure no jury would convict me!"

"Uh yeah," Lance coughed. "Okay a Ponzi scheme is basically a con to get money. It was named after Charles Ponzi, a Boston clerk who perfected the pyramid scheme in the 1920's."

"You got that information off the Internet didn't you?" Wanda asked.

"Oh like no one else does!" Lance snapped.

"Face the future Wanda," Pyro said cheerfully. "The machines tell us what to do."

"O-kay…" Wanda sighed. "Here with an explanation into what exactly Hate-Off did is our own Toad and Quicksilver. They are going to explain a very complicated economic scam. This should be good."

"Hello there!" Todd waved cheerfully. He was wearing a suit along with Pietro. "Okay, here's how the whole thing went down. Pretend I'm a guy that steals money and cons people out of stuff."

"That's a real stretch of the imagination," Pietro rolled his eyes.

"And Quicksilver here is my unwitting mark who is willing to spend his money on anything that makes himself look good," Todd gave Pietro a look.

"If this is about those ten cases of mineral based foundation powder I **had** to buy them!" Pietro snapped. "Do you know how hard it is to find my particular shade?"

"Will you two get **on** with it?" Wanda shouted. "Before your new shade becomes black and blue?"

"Touchy," Pietro bristled.

"Okay here we go," Todd said. "Come on over here Blob. Okay Blob here is an investor and I convince him to invest five thousand dollars of his money into my company."

"What kind of company is it?" Fred asked as he took out some Monopoly money.

"Any company," Todd shrugged. "Whatever. It doesn't matter."

"It kind of matters," Fred said. "I mean I don't want to invest my money in just anything."

"It's not your money!" Pietro snapped. "It's Monopoly money! Look you have pink and yellow bills there!"

"It's the principle of the thing," Fred huffed. "I'm picky about choosing stuff like this."

"Picky? **You're** picky?" Pietro yelled. "This from a man whose favorite game is Let's Eat the Green Stuff in the Back of the Fridge and Find out What it Was By Taste?"

"That's not my favorite game!" Fred huffed. "That's my third favorite! My favorite is Name That Road Kill! That and Candy Land."

"Okay let's make this simple," Todd raised his hands. "Blob what kind of company do you want to invest in?"

"Well I'm glad you asked that," Fred beamed. "How about a company that combines video games and donuts?"

"Video games and **donuts?"** Pietro asked.

"It could happen," Fred said.

"How? Explain to me **how** it could happen?" Pietro asked.

"I don't know! That's why I'm investing in **his **company so he can figure it out!" Fred pointed at Todd.

"Oh this is just…" Pietro slapped his forehead. "Brain hurts! My **brain hurts!"**

"Okay Blob you give me five thousand dollars for shares in my video game donut company," Todd took the money. "And now I go to Pietro and ask him to give me fifteen thousand dollars for my video game donut company."

"Why do I have to pay **fifteen** and he gets to only pay five?" Pietro shouted.

"Because that's how the system works!" Todd snapped. "Give me the money!"

"Fine! But I'd better get some perks for this!" Pietro snapped as he gave him the bills.

"It's pretend money!" Fred said.

"You're not the only one with principles!" Pietro shot back.

"Okay, I've got fifteen thousand from Quicksilver," Todd said. "Now I give Blob his origninal five thousand dollars back with an additonal five thousand dollars. That's ten thousand dollars profit total. But I keep the rest for myself! You see I didn't invest the money, but instead gave some of the money I got from Quicksilver to Blob. But Blob doesn't know that. But he got back money so he's happy."

"I'm very happy," Fred grinned as he held up his money.

"Well I'm **not **happy! What about me?" Pietro snapped.

"Glad you asked. Then I go to the next guy," Todd said. "Hey Lance come over here and give me fifty thousand bucks will ya?"

"I gotta pay fifty thousand bucks?" Lance asked as he walked over.

"It's pretend money!" Fred said.

"Okay then **pretend** I give it to you," Lance remarked.

"Fine," Todd mimed the action. "I take the fifty thousand bucks and give Quicksilver twenty thousand in profit."

"How come I only get a quarter profit?" Pietro asked. "While Blob gets double?"

"Don't you mean a third of a profit Math Genius?" Lance asked.

"Whatever! Why does he get more money than I do?" Pietro snapped.

"Because he's the first one in the scheme and he doesn't tick me off!" Todd said. "And because Blob is so successful he'll tell all his rich successful friends or friends that want to get rich!"

"Since when does the Blob have any friends besides us? Rich or otherwise?" Pietro asked.

"We'll you're certainly not rich or much of a friend lately I'll tell you that much," Fred grumbled.

"Let's just stop right there and cut to the chase," Lance held up his hand. "Toad basically what this scheme does is that you take money from one guy and only give up a small percentage to pay off another guy and you keep the profits. Am I right?"

"Righty-O Daddy-O," Todd nodded. Everyone looked at him. "I'm trying out new catchphrases. Too Sixties?"

"Just a tad," Pietro said. "So basically this whole scheme depends on suckers willing to fall for the act and pay off all the old investors using money from new ones."

"Wow that's very clever," Pyro blinked. "So did it work?"

"The guy stole about eighty billion bucks in under two decades," Todd gave him a look. "What do **you** think?"

"I think he's pretty darn persuasive," Fred whistled. "Hold on, eighty billion dollars from investors? That's another reason our economy is in the toilet isn't it?"

"Bingo Blob," Pietro nodded. "Boy when they say one man can really make a difference, they **mean** it!"

"Yes Mr. Hate-Off did take money from a lot of people," Lance said. "I mean the guy admitted to it in court and he's in the big house now so we can say that."

"Well he was in a big house before but this time he's in one where he has to share a room with a guy named Big Bubba," Pietro snickered.

"This jerk stole from everyone," Lance said. "Rich people, poor people, friends, neighbors, relatives, bankers, lawyers, actors…Kevin Bacon…"

"That Six Degrees of Separation game got a whole lot more fun," Pyro remarked.

"Doctors, sick people, politicians, Holocaust survivors…" Lance added.

"My Father really won't like that," Pietro added. "He might be paying Uncle Bernie a visit soon."

"I DON'T BELIEVE THIS! HE TOOK HOW MUCH?" Xavier's voice was heard in the background.

"Hey kids, guess who **else** got tricked by Uncle Bernie?" Todd snickered.

"Man he **is** good," Fred whistled.

"HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW THE MAN WAS A CON ARTIST?" Scott's voice was heard off camera. "YOU'RE A TELEPATH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!"

"I TRY NOT TO READ PEOPLE'S MINDS!" Xavier shouted. "BESIDES HE SEEMED VERY NICE AND HE SEEMED TO HAVE HONEST EMOTIONS!"

"OF COURSE HE DID! HE WAS HONESTLY HAPPY TO TAKE YOUR MONEY!" Scott yelled.

"Looks like there are gonna be a few cutbacks around the ol' Danger Room for a while," Pietro snickered. "Hey maybe this Bernie guy isn't all bad?"

"Too bad he's not a mutant," Pyro said. "We could really use a guy like that."

"Are you kidding? Mutants have enough bad press as it is!" Lance barked.


End file.
